Why Princess Monie? and Only 7 Days To Go

TiaraHave you wondered  why I use the name Princess Monie? There really is a story behind it and is not pretty or perfect BUT it is true.  It is the real me and how I came to be the Princess that I claim to be.  I heard a lady at Wal-Mart say tonight as I walked out with my husband after our Valentine’s Day night of grocery shopping (this is how we enjoy our night without kids) that we all have the right to pray the way we want.  And my first thought was “Amen Sister”.  So funny!!!  Just 19 years ago, it would have been a much different response.  I would have been angry and rude and just plain ugly! I was not a woman who walked in faith.  I was a “girl” struggling to make some big choices who was pregnant and had no idea what the big picture held before her.  I was a chick that thought the world was “fucked up” and that there were only a couple people who understood how she saw the world.  WOW!!!!  I can’t believe that was who I was.  But, I wouldn’t take any of it back!!  If I did, I would never have been able to be a Princess and see that it is path that we all have a right to walk.  Okay, if you are a guy- you should be a Prince.  So, here we go!

I have talked about my pregnancy out of wedlock. I have shared my struggle with being an Ugly Betty kind of girl.  I openly have told the whole world how looking in the mirror has not always been great.  But, what I haven’t shared is that I was so very lost and confused about where I stood in the”big picture”.  We all have a place in the “big picture”.  If you have no desire to hear about my my faith or relationship with my Heavenly Father, just click away now.  This is you chance to opt out!  I warned you – so no bitching!!!  Here it goes:

I grew up in a Catholic household.  I studied and learned, just as a good Catholic girl should, all the prayers and rituals required.  I read the passages that were discussed in catechism.  But the questions I had were never answered in a way that fulfilled my wondering mind.  As I got older and entered my teen years, I only became more rebellious of the Catholic church and searched for answers.  I had friends and joined organizations hoping to find the answers, but never completely did (or at least that is what I thought).  Eventually, I hit a point where my logical and scientific mind and the religious and faith seeking side came to a head.  I read book after book and took class after class trying to find an answer that made sense.  I was afraid to look past the Catholic church.  It was really all I knew even though I had friends of different religions and had visited their churches.  I know now that there was a part of me that refused to let anyone show me what was out there.

Then came the pregnancy!  Once I decided to have my son and raise him the best I could, I knew that he needed more than I only could offer him and the one thing I knew was a constant in my family history was church.  I went back to the Catholic church and asked what I needed to do to raise my son with a strong foundation.  The “church ladies” told me the classes to take and the steps that were required to have my baby to be protected by God and the purpose of Godparents.  I did as I was told once Dru was here and picked the two people I trusted most for this important role and told God that I would do this whole thing for Dru.  My faith was non-existent!  After my son’s baptism, I was changing him in the restroom in a stall and it was the moment that created a shift that hurt for some time.  Two older ladies walked in to the restroom and were discussing my son and me.  They talked about how dare I come into “their church” with my bastard child and stand in front of the congregation like I wasn’t a whore.  It hurt to my core.  I finished dressing my sweet baby and I walked out with my held head high even though my insides were screaming and crying about how much I HATED this moment.  We took pictures and had a celebration afterwards and I just held it all inside.  I had already mastered the art of hiding it all and just doing it by myself.  Man, was I sooooo lost!

Time passed and little by little God started to send me sweet notes of love and encouragement, I just didn’t see them right away.  I had friends at work that invited me to join a gospel choir and friends at the club that invite me to a “different” kind of church and had my little sister inviting me to a “bible study group”.  I joined the gospel choir because I loved to sing and the people that invite me intrigued me.  I went to church with my friends from the club because I loved to hear them sing and it gave me something to do early in the morning with my son on a Sunday morning.  And I finally gave into my little sister to get her off my back.  What I didn’t know then but I see now, was that a foundation was being laid in my life.  And this foundation would eventually become firm and stiff and the life I have now we be built upon it.

The music I sang with the choir at work spoke to my soul.  I have always loved music and songs which truly are the soundtrack of my life and the ones I learned with these amazing people sang a truth in my soul to the deepest parts of my being.  Heading out to Boerne to go to church on Sunday with my friends, showed me that people see past what is on the surface and will open their hearts to you with knowing all your crap.  And then going to “bible study’ with my sister taught me that reading the bible was more than just recalling historical facts and talking about someone’s life, but that it was a set of rules and promises that spoke to ME and that everyone might interpret it differently.  Eventually, I found myself accepting my sister’s invitation to her church.  It was small and I was sure they would judge me  based on my life choices just like the Catholic church had previously.  Now, yes I had been going to church with friends but they  (church body) didn’t know much about my life and the choices I had made, especially when it came to my son.  My sister’s church family knew more about me.  Many of her best friends and their families went to this church and it was a small church.

I went weekend after weekend and then it happened.  I was sitting in church watching my sister use her hands to interpret with beautiful mastery and elegance what the pastor was sharing with the church body.  Then out of no where – it happened – like a explosion in my mind and shaking of my body – I knew that I was there for a reason and that reason was to understand that God was way bigger than me and accepted me “AS IS” like a scratch and dent appliance.  He was willing to take me broken and jacked-up with my scandalous past and “bastard” babe!  HE LOVED ME!!  I was someone that could be loved and my child was supposed to be here and that there was a purpose for us.  It may not be world changing in the history books but it was a purpose.  I accepted Jesus into my life and was ready to learn what could be taught and find that path that laid before me.

Eventually, I became involved at church and embraced the Christian faith.  I sought the Word more and more each day and committed to Christ and God to raise my son to be a strong Christian man. God in turn blessed me with love and friendship and partnership for life with Steven.  He, too, grew in faith and Christ with Dru and me.  As time was passing, I started to realize that I was never comfortable with being a girl even more so a woman.  I always tried to be like this woman or more like that lady, but never considered myself much of a lady.  And then that moment happened, I was reading the bible and in Romans I begin to see that the children He speaks of includes myself. I am an heir and God is our King of Kings which made me a Princess and my son a Prince.  We are all royalty.  We are all here for a purpose. Now, I knew I had free will and so did my children, so the best thing I could do was continue to grow and look to God.  And this inspired me to grab hold of the title Princess.  I am His Princess and my husband is a Prince and my framily are all royalty.  They just have to claim it!

So do you claim it?  I now feel blessed through good and bad and know that there is joy in every breath I take and with each loving touch I give and receive from those I come in contact with daily.  I am indeed a Princess and love to see all my royal family!  I still have growing to do and more scripture to memorize.  And I have learned to accept that I will never know it all when it comes to what God has to teach me.  I will always be His child and He will show me, guide me and inspire me until the day I die.  And I will die knowing I am absolutely loved by my Father the King of King.


Princess Monie

Desperately Seeking Monie with 13 Days Left

Desperately_Seeking_Susan_34425_MediumI remember when I was a kid and the movie “Desperately Seeking Susan” came out. I was maybe 10 years old and wanted to be like Susan. I was jealous of Roberta who was getting to be like Susan. When I decided it was time to accept the person I saw in the mirror, I had no idea that I would be more like Roberta seeking Susan.  The funny thing about Roberta is that she had it in her to be adventurous and step outside the role she thought she had to live.  I was like that in some ways.  And with my ever-changing body and life, my 30’s were a rollercoaster and I was trying to figure out what box I should be in instead of realizing that I needed to stop seeking something I wasn’t.

A little more than a year after my gastric surgery, I was just getting comfortable in my new skin and the me in the mirror and then came new change.  I got pregnant with my second child 12 years after my first.  Again, my body started to change and my focus shifed to my health for the health of this new life.  And then change flew through the door after the birth of my son.  I dropped the weight and got back to a more aggressive workout routine and continued to seek out who I saw in the mirror everyday.  As Bliss got a little older every day, we noticed that he was missing milestones and yet again my focus completely left me and moved to the well-being of my little one.  The stress and worry of doing what was best for both my boys and how to handle our new world started to take its toll on my well-being.  I made poor food choices, wasn’t sleeping, quit working out and withdrew into our own private world.  Looking in the mirror wasn’t something I did much except to make sure my hair was not sticking up.  And the person who I caught an occasional glimpse of was not the Monie I knew at all.  My circle of support was a small tight knit group and they did their best to help keep me afloat.

Little by little, things got better.  As a family, we found a routine and figured out the path that was best for all of us.  And then I stepped on the scale at a friend’s house and the number staring back at me was 199 pounds!!!  How did that happen? I looked in the mirror and for the first time in quite some time really looked at myself.  I needed to seek myself the way I had sought God years before.  He and I had great conversations over the past couple of years in my darkest and most difficult moments.  Now, I had to start seeking the joy and victory and avoid the desperateness that was there.  And seek it I did. But without desperation – instead with joy and gladness.  My little one was here and my oldest was amazing.  I had a wonderful and supportive man.  I had framily (friends and family) that lifted me up and stood by me.  How did I miss it all!!??  The joy was everywhere.

It started with the little things like styling my hair and looking in the mirror and loving the person staring back at me.  Eating a healthy dish for not just me but also my family.  Pilates and walking made me feel good.  And the more I took care of me, the better I was at caring for my family.  I started to look in the mirror and not just like, but love the person I saw staring back at me.  I was no longer desperately seeking the Monie who should fit in that perfect little box.  I was growing into the me I was all along – and that person would never fit into that box or any box.  Embracing me and loving who I am and will become is all I need to do.

Couple redoIs my weight perfect? No, I honestly want to lose 10 more pounds.  That would be in my target zone for my doctors.  Is my body model perfect? Never and it doesn’t need to be.  My skin sags in areas no one wants to hear about and my bat wings can be kick ass sometimes and annoying at other times.  But, it is my body and I will dress it up any way I want.  Am I calm and predictable? It depends on the situation – I am great in a crisis, cool and calm.  That has been a God send for the health of my boys.  But I am loud and have been known to think of something and just do it.  You only live once and I want to live life with gusto.  Will I ever be like Susan? Absolutely not!!  I will be Monie.  Which means if I want to go to the grocery store dressed in my Underoos Harley Quinn or Wonder Woman top with a tiara on my head and Nike’s on my feet, I will.  The next day, I might be sporting just a pony-tail and sitting in the library in comfy seats reading books with my little one.  And the next day, I might be in a suit sitting with some friends having a business lunch.  It is who I am and I have found Monie.  I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.  But don’t a lot of us??? So until then I will stick with Monie Just Monie.