How many of you remember the song Bitch by Meredith Brooks from 1997?
I was 22 years old and this song was my instant favorite. Of course, the title helped to attract my attention. I guess you could say I have a bit of history with the word Bitch itself. The first time I remember saying this word was when I was in maybe 2nd grade (a story I think my mom tells much better) and had just gotten in trouble and been sent to my mom. My mom and her super hearing heard me mutter “bitch” in reference to her. She marched in there and called me out on what I had said. I tried to deny it but she wasn’t having it. Mom then proceeds to explain to me what a bitch means by definition. She told that a bitch is what you call a female dog. Or a word used to describe a not nice type of woman and is she either of those things. I was scared out of mind and thought I was a goner for sure. I just ended up being grounded and really disappointing my mom for using such horrible language that I didn’t know how to use and to not do it again until I could basically admit to having said it.
Fast forward to me being a young adult, I was now developing a bit of a reputation both at work and in play. Bitch was my new title. The title at work was not a great compliment. In fact, my hubby says that he recalls that on his first day of work our co-worker told him to only call me by Monie not my legal first name and to watch out because I could be a real bitch. This title signified someone who did whatever it took to complete a job, had high standards on how things were done and did not have a problem with throwing people under the bus who did not do the same. That was me! Now, I had friends and was loyal but I couldn’t stand it when people did things half-ass. I was a bit of an overachiever and expected everyone to be the same way. When it came to play, the title was the description of a party girl that shouldn’t be crossed. This one was more of a compliment. I loved to party and enjoyed dating A LOT! At the same time, I didn’t mind pissing people off or getting someone kicked out of a bar because they were messing with mine or my friends’ night out. I was a little crazy and not afraid to open my mouth and tell someone what I thought. And I would protect my friends no matter what. So needless to say, I started to embrace my title. Then came this song and I started to wonder if it was a description of me.
And I decided it was. I was already a single mom who was unapologetic about choices I had made in having and raising my son. I loved to tease men and be unpredictable. I thought all this made me a strong and independent woman. And if that meant people saw me as a bitch – well too damn bad!!! I thought the only people that mattered where the ones who already were a part of my life and if anyone else wanted in – they better just get used to this chick. Slowly, of course, things in my life changed. People started coming into my life who cared about me but called me out on my behavior (thanks Friends!) and helped me realize that my life still held potential and being nice and letting more people in did not make me weak. I had no idea what God was doing in my life through all these people and things. My title of Bitch was slowly fading away and that was a little scary! By the time 30 years old was coming up, I had started to see me in a different light and that was as a Princess. I even had a Royal Ball for my birthday. Had the “bitch” really left? Did this mean I was settling down? Or even scarier – calming down? NO
I still love the song Bitch and am glad Meredith Brooks co-wrote it and shared it with the world. I am not sure what those ladies where thinking or how their lives going when this song was brought to life. But I do know that it means more to me now then it did at 22. When I hear the lyrics, I realize I am still a bitch and really feel no shame to it. There really are days when I can’t stand the world I live in either because war makes me sad or people do unbelievable and hauntingly horrible things to each other or I just had a really crappy day. I still can be tough and have had to learn when and where to have thick skin. On the other hand, I can be loving and caring and will be submissive. I truly am a sinner and pray that when I live transparently that is as close as I can get to being a saint (Heehee). For some like my kids who haven’t done as asked I can be their hell, but I know I can also be their dream when I do exactly what I know will make their day. I can still tease and be a goddess because that is one of the things he loves about me. I am pretty sure that who I am right now will be different in another 10 years. And that’s a great thing. I want to change – not as often as the seasons- just often enough to keep life interesting. Does this mean I can’t grow-up? I’m not sure. I am not as spontaneous as I once was or in a hurry to telling someone exactly what I think of them. I think this means I have grown up some, but I am still not sure that I can let go of the title, it may just be different. There are times I think I am okay with being Princess Bitch. My definition for that is that I can be a bitch without you knowing it until way after the fact.
So, yes, I’m a bitch – either take it or leave it